No chit-chat, 32-week bans and goal post-mortems – the five-a-side club with a 14-page rulebook - (2022)

Five-a-side football with your mates. The chance to escape the rules and regulations of work, school, college, life…?

Not so much at one club, who have a 14-page handbook with strict rules players must adhere to, including no WhatsApp “chit-chat” and bans for late replies.

We've all stumbled across bizarre rules and processes when it comes to organised fun but, if Twitter is to be believed, this club have taken it to the extreme.

When looking to join a new team, @NewAgeBoxingUK was greeted by 14 pages of regulations that players must follow if they wish to participate.

He shared the most bizarre on Twitter in a thread that has gone viral. Here is a snapshot:

• All members must be following the same rules and processes and “those who don't are punished until they do”.
• Three-week bans for not reading the handbook properly, engaging in chit-chit in the WhatsApp group, withdrawing after selection.
• A three-week ban for asking the ‘Director of Football' any questions that are answered in the handbook.
• A massive 32-week ban if you do not turn up for the match, regardless of the reason.
• No hats or scarves to be worn during pre-match tactical discussions, or any muttering under your breath.
• Excessive foul and abusive language encouraged if the team captain feels the need, though excessive “FABL” will also land you a three-week ban.
• A 20- to 30-second period after each goal for goalkeepers or captains to perform a “post-mortem” about why it was conceded.

So how do the BBC Sport readers' five-a-side experiences compare?

Andy: Once had to wash our own kit, white socks. If they were dirty you got fined £2. I think the gaffer bought a car with the money

Chris Murphy: Our five-a-side rules are fairly simple – if you can get there on time, you can play!

Joe Southcott: Remember turning up two minutes late and having to start 5-0 down instead of if we didn't turn up we'd lose 3-0.

Kevin Maguire: In New Zealand you couldn't play with out a referee and couldn't challenge for the ball from behind or the side of the player in possession.

Ed Waddington: Indeed, that is still a rule. I've come to like it though, as it removes the usual brawls associated with five-a-side.

Steve Doig: I manage a Wednesday night eight-a-side team. I have always loved soccer but since I turned 41 I love it more, playing with mates under the lights is what it's all about. I have played 77 games and scored 32 own goals. Some weeks can be a struggle to get numbers but we always manage. There are no Messis in our squad, plenty of Phil Jones. Miss a game it's £5 if you cancel on the day. Some of the excuses you get crack you up, like the time one of the young lads said he was locked in his toilet and couldn't get out or the time my co-manager said he couldn't find his favourite Arsenal training top so couldn't play. All good fun.